Short Stories

A Little on Vampires

Remember last week’s story? This features one of the characters expositioning about the supernatural world.

Truth be told, I’ve been wanting to write this passage before I made the characters from last week’s short. But I mean….why not use the same characters when it fits?

So yes…here is a little on vampires.

Just to clear the air, I’m writing this not to start some book or info guide but to inform you, James. It’s been…six months since we’ve met and you are constantly forgetting everything I’m telling you about vampires.

So I’m writing this, even though you likely won’t read it, just so that you can be better informed. Some of my vampire acquaintances are even more irate about the misconceptions (that have reached the supernatural culture, mind you) than I am.

Thus, firstly, you keep on asking if I drink blood.

I don’t. In fact, most vampires don’t.

The fact that we drink blood is brought about by an ancient misconception that because we’re supposedly dead, we must drink the thing that carries life to sustain us. Obviously, modern science shows that blood isn’t the only thing that’s necessary for life.

We can drink blood, of course. It’s red…vampires don’t really care what they eat as long as it’s the right color.

For most of us, like myself, that color is red. So I can eat and drink anything red (tomatoes are tricky, though, since sometimes their skin can be greenish and their insides might be more pink/salmon than red). I’m moderately fond of purple things as well, and a lot of vampires like blue (likely why blue blood is a phrase, despite it not being blue at all).

But it’s the color that matters. And garlic isn’t lethal, by the way. It’s white, sure, and that’s not something we like, but I personally just like to marinate it red because many of the foods I enjoy require garlic. I really can eat anything as long as it’s red and it’s also worth noting I can still taste the flavors humans taste if they’re the right color. The invention of food coloring does save lives.

And speaking of lives, I’m not dead. I’m not human anymore, and I’m essentially…immortal. I can still be killed in normal ways (stakes are not the only way, okay? And silver doesn’t bother me) but it’s a little harder. You could stab me in the heart, and I would likely die, but there is a possibility that my heart could regenerate if the blade is pulled out in time.

Anyway, enough about food and death.

Let’s talk about what we can do, now that we’re vampires.

Firstly, we can’t turn into bats. That’s an asinine misconception.

Some of us can fly, some of us have enhanced senses, some of us are fast, and some of us have frightening strength…but not all of us have them, and very little of us have them all. Some might have none, if they’re young enough. I’m in my 600s, which means I’m fast, can fly (levitate, really), and am strong but not strong enough to lift a house as of yet.

Also, the thing about the sun…no. Not all vampires are white, either. That’s just racist. We have blood, we have a beating heart, and we have body heat, but we don’t need those to survive so a lot of us might look a little pasty.

And yes, the sun won’t kill us or turn us into dust or anything of that sort. However, most of us can’t regulate our body heat well (as aforementioned, we don’t need that so we’re mostly just cold) and can get overheated in the sun, so a lot of vampires stay out of it.

What more is there?

I know there’s something about us needing the soil of our birth land or something to survive?

No. I haven’t been in my ancestral lands in years (about 20 years, actually) and I’m perfectly fine.

Also, if you bring up the blood of a virgin to me again, I will swear and commit murder. Most of us are too cranky, trying to figure out how to live an endless life to be perverts, okay?

Finally, I think there’s something about Christian (maybe more Catholic?) symbols being used to ward us off, as well as a bunch of other absurd things?

Well, considering I’m Baptist and actually did get baptized, I’m not even going to try and correct that. Literally, the fact that I’ll be raptured if I don’t get killed first is the reason I actually find the will to live a moderately good life.

So what is our weakness?

Well, we’re slightly perfectionist…can get carried away with making things even, doing certain things in certain ways, and decimals really irritate us (a lot of vampires have committed to finding the end of pi or Euler’s number).

But that’s it…we have human weaknesses, not so much to disease as much as to weapons or stupid accidents. We can regenerate, but that’s not much use if you repeatedly hack away at our bodies or leave a weapon in us or fill our lungs with water. And even regeneration varies from vampire to vampire.

I happen to have a speedy recovery rate, but I do know a fellow Asian Christian vampire who’s recovery rate resembles more of a human’s, just a little accelerated. She’s the kind that might pass as human with the way she can regulate her physical age (it’s a semi-rare ability).

And yes, we might not need our hearts to beat or our lungs to breathe, but they’re still pretty essential parts of our system—maybe slightly easier to replace but that’s about it.

Is that all?

It better be.

No, you cannot try to test my weaknesses. If you do, I’ll react badly and accidentally hurt you (I’m sensitive to movement) and I don’t want to hurt anyone, no matter how tempting.

I pray that this enters your head, James, but I honestly only see a future with you constantly grating on my nerves. And because I’ve taken you as a ward (just think of it as a more official version of your fake adoption), I am stuck with you for five years. It’s not something I look forward to, but it should be interesting.

Poor Hyunyoo. He didn’t ask for this but he got it anyway. Mostly because no one listened to him when he said spoken codes were more fallible and less efficient than emblazoned ones. No I will not explain what that means.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this *coughs* completely fictional account on this particular world’s vampires.

With that, I hopefully shall see you next Thursday!

©Lemon Duck, 2021. All rights reserved.

2 thoughts on “A Little on Vampires

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